My angel child

FINDING OUT

I told Alan that I am possibly pregnant but he was in denial as we were first going to get married before having children. Both of us was 23 at the time, still very young and a bit unclear of what we want in life. 

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I started to feel nauseous since the middle of December. I had just finished work and was on holiday and all I did the entire day was sleep and feel grumpy all the time. My period was late and I knew then that I am definitely pregnant. The doctor confirmed it a few weeks later and I didn’t tell my Mom right away.

THE PREGNANCY

Forgive me, but if you ever thought that pregnancy is the most wonderful experience for a woman to go through, tell me again – AFTERWARDS. Here’s my reasons why.

Have you ever felt like the saliva in your mouth was too much to swallow? (gross I know…). That was me all the time. For months I had to spit it out wherever and whenever. I avoided Alan because all of a sudden everything he did and the way he that he smelled started to irretate me. It was after Christmas that I started to vomit and lost my appetite entirely. I had lost about 20kg in a matter of 2 weeks. Nothing would stay down, even the soup that my Mom made in the heart of summer. Then I  discovered the worst thing ever….WATER couldn’t stay down. This caused me to be thirsty all the time and because nothing else stayed inside, I started to become dehydrated and was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum – a very severe form of morning sickness. Imagine being hungry all the time, knowing that if you eat something, it will come right out. That was me….ALL THE TIME. Who wouldn’t slip into a state of depression time and again because of this? Besides the occasional drip to hydrate me, according to my doctor, my pregnancy was fairly normal.

THE SHOCK

At my 24 week scan, the sonographer made an appointment at a specialist because she was a bit “unsure” of something she picked up. I didnt think that it was major up until the point where the specialist had us sit down and told us that the kidneys is looking a bit funny and he will check up in the next two weeks if anything has changed, also explaining what could possibly be the outcome if his suspicions is confirmed. At the next appointment we were told that even if I carry to term, there’s no way it would make it as the kidneys wasn’t fully developed.

THE BIRTH

On  Monday morning at 28 weeks, labour was induced  and little Jared was born 11pm Wednesday evening after many, many tears. I was lucky to have had Alan by my side the entire time as I cannot imagine how I would have made it on my own.

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WHAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND

I knew giving birth is painful. I have prepared myself for it mentally. I knew there was no other way that giving birth to a child is  painless. Knowing this, every single tear I cried in that delivery room was not because of the unbearable pain but for the fact that I was gonna be left with nothing at the end of it all. All the pain for nothing. NO BABY.

HOW I COPED

I am a person of faith. I believe that God still performs miracles and in this dark hour I had so much hope that my miracle would survive. HE DIDN’T. Of course I was angry and broken but amidst the  pain and heartache and grief that I was experiencing, I knew that somewhere in all of this there’s a reason for the dissapointment. There were many times that I just broke down and cried and felt like banging my head against the wall but learning to talk about it in councelling, it got better with time.

I STILL REMEMBER

This year he would have been 13 years old and I’ve noticed something strange the last couple of years. A couple of days before his birthday (June 4), I experience such a deep sadness. It’s like it just comes out of nowhere and only on the day I realise…ahhhhhh…it’s his birthday today and he was just reminding me not to forget about him.

I’m a mother and I will never stop loving this child that I never got to know or see grow up. For Alan it was totally different, he dealt with the pain in his own way and sometimes he forgets his birthday. But that’s okay. And like I tell many others that I’ve met along the way who went through the same thing, it does get better. I doesn’t go away but it gets better.

Till later.

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